Of Black, White and Gray’s. April 22, 2008

I was remembering the other day of the early days of Internet Chat, you know, when it was easy to get a 7 digit ICQ number. I was a High Schooler and a newly born again Christian with a thirst for debate. Back in those days all chat clients had a button to press to find a random person to chat with. When it was 2:00 AM and all my friends were in bed it provided some entertainment.

I really only remember one of the conversations I had with a random person. It was a random middle aged guy from Australia. We got in to talking about life, religion, and growing older. I was of the opinion that I was right, Jesus was awesome, this was good, that was bad, etc. He was of the opinion that, well… I was just a kid and I’d see that as I grew older my vision would change. All the things I saw as black and white (and there were many things I had strong right/wrong opinions on) would become multiple shades of gray. The world is just too complicated to be black and white.

I wish I still had those chat logs. I remember very assertively stating that he was wrong and if anything I’d just discover more details about what was right and what was wrong. If anything the black/white would become sharper, not duller.

So here I am today, with a vision full of multiple shades of gray. Who knew the random ICQ Australian stranger was right? I’m not going to be so foolish again and say this is who I am and who I will be for the rest of my life, and I can’t believe I was ever OK with thinking that I had it all figured out. How could anyone have it all figured out?

When it comes to morals/religion/whatnot… I pretty much go by this logic (although, I don’t expect it to hold true 100%):

1. Does it make you happy?
   1. No? Stop doing it
   2. Yes? Continue
2. Does it hurt anyone or anything else directly or indirectly?
   1. Yes? You should in most circumstances stop doing it then.
   2. No? Continue
3. Does it hurt you?
   1. Permanently? Stop doing it.
   2. Temporarily? Really gotta make a judgment call here to stop or continue yourself.
4. Hey, you found something good, you can most likely go ahead and do it.

For me, being a Christian violated this simple logic. I had an amazing friend my last couple years of college. He was one of the kindest, funniest and smart guys I’ve ever known. He was a Christian too, and he was gay. We developed a strong friendship and I was one of the very few Christians he came out to. I think it was good for him to have me to talk to, I think it ate at him inside.

I did a lot of reading and studying on the subject of gays and what the Bible says about it all. The conclusion I came to was that it was wrong. It’s a sin and you should not do it. But after knowing my friend so well and what he felt and goes through daily… I didn’t understand. How can you not do something that you are? It makes no sense. But I believed every word of the Bible and it had to be the truth.

One night he asked me.. he told me that there was a guy in his life he was crazy about. And there was a girl in his life that liked him. He had a choice he could make. Happiness or “the right thing”. I told him that it was not OK to be with a guy. I told him to try a relationship with the girl. I believed I was doing what was right. Inside me I felt like I was doing the most wrong. Especially the look on his face when his own best friend told him to deny his own happiness.

He did not choose the girl. And we didn’t really talk about those things much any more after that. He knew I lost my faith years later. As far as I know he was a strong Christian till the day he died in 2002. I still wish I could apologize, tell him I was an idiot. I know that he didn’t need me to, but I think I needed me to.

So, the meanest, worst, most wrong thing I have ever done, I did because it’s what God wanted me to do. I did it because I believed the world was black and white, there were very little gray areas.