In retrospect… (Part 4 – “Goodbye Jesus”)
A bit of a disclaimer on this one. There are things that happened in this year, 1998-1999, that some who know me may be shocked to learn. I call it my party year. So feel free to skip this one if you don’t want to know the details.
Also… I am for the legalization of drugs. Not because I am a druggie of some sort, as I said, this was my party YEAR. No more than a year, and this year was 10 years ago. I believe that drugs cause more harm being illegal than they would if they were legalized. As a 20-something who should have known better, I did things without regard to ALL the consequences. Particularly, consequences to a question that was hardly regarded was “just how much trust should I have in chemicals bought off a black market?” And then there are legal consequences to breaking serious laws.
So, even though I am for the legalization of drugs, I in no way endorse using illegal drugs. Even though some may be “more safe” than currently legalized drugs, that doesn’t mean illegally gained said drugs are safer than legally obtained drugs.
Summer of 1998-1999
I went back to work for Oakland Schools every summer that I came back. They’d always find a spot for me, but always insisted that I move on to better things after college. Anyway, some of my new co-workers were really in to throwing small LAN parties. Where you all haul your computers to one guys house, hook them up on the local network, and then kill each other in various video games until the sun comes up.
These were great fun for a geek like me… Then one of them brought booze to a party. My first time drinking, and boy did we drink. Screwdrivers were my booze of choice. We also listened to lots of techno music. One night, instead of a LAN party, we all just hung out at someone’s girlfriend’s house. And out came the marijuana.
Yeah, I was curious as to what all the fuss was over pot. I knew it was safe, physically that is. I don’t think I gave the legal ramifications much thought. So I tried it and, holy shit, it was one of the worst nights of my life. I don’t believe my experience was what most people feel on pot. I don’t see how it could be and be as popular of a recreational drug as it is. I remember the feeling so well… even now, 11 years later. Everything I tried to do took an extra 10 seconds or so before I could do it. Everything I heard had to have been delayed the same long 10 seconds before it got to me. I was incapable of doing anything but stare straight ahead with my mouth hung open. Just wishing it would all end soon. I felt detached from my body, like I was floating above it, held to it by a thin piece of thread that could snap at any moment. I retreated in to a dark bedroom and closed my eyes. I concentrated on staying IN me and waited for it all to end.
That experience really disturbed me. I wasn’t quite the same after it… I had never felt so disconnected from myself. I had a strong desire to leave everything. I wanted out of Waterford, I wanted out of Great Lakes Christian College and out of Lansing. I wanted something new, an adventure. About a month before I was to head back to college my work friends invited me to my first rave. At that rave I took ecstasy.
It was the complete opposite of the night I smoked pot. In every way. I felt more connected to myself than I ever had before. I was able to see myself more clearer than I had ever done. My thoughts were quicker, not slower. I wanted to socialize, not hide. And it was a lot of fun.
So off to college I went, having the most messed up summer of my life. I remembered that Jason really liked techno music, and had talked about raves before. And I could tell Jason anything. So I emailed him and told him everything. From the drinking, to the pot, the rave and the ecstasy. I swear, in about 30 minutes I got a response back from him… I wish I still had it, but hotmail deleted my account data a long time ago. It was something along the lines of “I’m coming to get you, we’ll be there to pick you up in about 2 hours.”
He wasn’t joking. He got a ride from Grand Rapids to Lansing at the last moment, found a “house party” (kind of like a mini-rave in someone’s house) and picked me up. I had entered a somewhat hidden part of Jason’s life. So there we were, at a random house in downtown Lansing, music thumping, lights flashing… He was introducing me to many new people, showing me a lot of the rave culture. It was great fun.
At that house party Jason took me outside, away from most people. We were sitting on the lawn on a beautiful night. It had to have been 3 am at least. We joked and laughed for a bit and then he got serious. He looked directly in to my eyes and said “there’s something you want ask me.” He was right too… And I felt stupid. Here he was being so amazingly courageous and brave… but I couldn’t do it. He must’ve been waiting all night for me to bring it up. Finally he gave up and started the conversation. And yet I still stumbled on it! I eventually got it out and did ask him. And it was an amazing feeling. I was wrong a bit and he cleared up a lot. But, I knew then that an already great friend had just become unimaginably greater. We no longer had any giant secrets that we had to always hide.
I did a lot more partying after that. There were some weekend when we’d start partying on Thursday in Lansing, party all the way to Chicago, and then party back to Grand Rapids. And I’d get back to Lansing just in time for Monday morning classes. We ended up with quite a fun group… And it’s how I met Jillian. I needed a ride one night to a gay bar downtown. The gay bar threw a really fun “rave night” on Thursdays and Jason would always drive to Lansing for it. Jillian stuck around and kept coming with us to different parties… and well, we became close friends.
I could go on and on with the partying stories. I will admit this, I mostly never, knowingly, did anything besides pot, ecstasy, acid and shrooms. And the only two I enjoyed were ecstasy and acid. I have stories involving these things… Getting split up in Lansing and having to go back to campus while tripping balls. Getting my parent’s car towed in downtown Chicago. Getting lost in Grand Rapids because they closed the party down before anyone had stopped tripping. Or taking one pill and not feeling it’s effects, so of course you should find another dealer and take a 2nd pill, right? I think the first was mescaline… we’re still not sure, but it definitely had some effects! Anyway, don’t do drugs. They’re illegal and that is enough reason to consider them unsafe! The black market is not trustworthy and no matter how much you “trust” the dealer, it’s still not guaranteed to be what you’re expecting. Which means it’s never safe and the legal consequences are high.
Spiritually I was drifting further and further from Christianity. The people at these parties, the ravers, they showed me what it meant to be like Christ more than a Christian ever had. They were seriously the most loving, most accepting and most caring strangers I had ever met. And you can’t say it was the drugs… I spent a lot of time with sober ravers too. So here were all these wonderful and kind people from all sorts of religions. Christians, Atheists, Agnostics, Buddhists, etc etc etc. All of them were genuine. All of them were moral.
I ended up realizing that I didn’t like God.
So there I was… a Christian, at a Bible college, who didn’t like God. The Christian God of the Bible, that is. No, it was more than dislike. I hated God. I completely disagreed with many of the things he did in the Bible and I did not think of him as worthy of my praise.
Towards the end of my 3rd year at GLCC my friend Patrick (read about him in parts 1-3) asked me to move in with him in Ann Arbor. He was in need of a new roommate and he said he “could find me a job.” Since I was definitely not going to continue in my Christian education, I agreed. I left mid semester.
Well, not completely, Jillian would drive to pick me up and take me to some George Brown classes. Christian or not, his classes were great. And… it wasn’t a short drive. We spent more and more time together in Ann Arbor. And one day we kissed. It was a shock to both of us.
So Ann Arbor was pretty much the end of the party days. It dwindled out… Jason and I both realized that we had more fun sober. Sitting around and chatting about things all night long. He was always a strong Christian and would often want to discuss theological things. A favorite of his was “if God knows everything then why would he have created humans knowing what we’d do? Knowing what would come of it all?” His answer to that one was always that God had the ability to know everything, but didn’t let himself. You can’t have a true and loving relationship without free will. And if you know the entire outcome of the creation, is it really free will? I miss those conversations… But I went from a Christian who hates God to an agnostic that year.
So I said goodbye to Jesus and never looked back.