Indecent Exposure Near Miss
I thought you all might like a good laugh, even if it is at my own expense.
Today I am working from home with a Travis (2 years old), sick. We have been relaxing in our jammies (note: “jammies” for me means boxers and a white t-shirt) while I work and he watches Sesame Street. Everything was going fine, I was getting a lot done and he was staying calm and safe right beside me.
And then Travis reminded me that he was sick. In an instant he filled his diaper over capacity. I instantly knew, since he was sitting right next to me. It was so fast and violent that there was no mistaking what just happened. So, quickly I grabbed a clean diaper and some wipes to get him cleaned asap. But then I discovered just how over capacity this was. I looked at the time, 11:50 am, and thought, “No problem, I needed a small break anyway, and it’s near lunch break for most everyone else. I’ll give him a bath.”
Travis’ love baths, so I got no argument here.
I start the bath water running and notice that the bathroom trash is overfull and really needs dumped. So while I wait for the bath to fill, I take it to dump it in to a larger trash. Sure enough, that happened to fill that trash up too. So I tied it off and considered throwing on pants and taking it straight to the dumpster. “Nah, I don’t want to leave Travis alone with running bath water while I run it down. I’ll just stick it in the garage until later tonight.” Great plan, right? Don’t leave the sick two year old alone in an apartment with running bath water.
So I take it to our attached garage, dropping it off near the garage door, then quickly run back inside. Only… the door was locked. “SHIT”. See, our door to our garage does that sometimes and I always forget. Somehow in opening the door from the inside, and letting it shut by itself, the lock twists just the slightest bit and *poof* — you’re locked in the garage.
This is usually no problem. Usually someone else is home and will hear you knocking. Usually you’re dressed. Usually there isn’t a sick 2 year old alone on the other side with a bathtub filling with water.
My only option was clear. I had to open the garage door, hope no one was outside at the time, and run around to try all the doors/windows until I find one that is unlocked. And if that failed… well, I guess I could break a window with a rock? But, knowing us, something was left unlocked, so I wasn’t too worried about having to resort to window breaking.
I peaked through the garage door’s windows (way up high, so it was more of a jumping up and down for a bit) to make sure the coast was clear. My plan was simple:
- Hit the button
- Run around the corner
- Quickly try the front door
- Quickly run around the next corner to the side of the apartment facing the road
- Hop the porch fence and try the living room sliding glass door
- Hop back over the fence and try the kid’s window
- Move further down to the spare bedroom and try that window
- Run around the next corner and try our bedroom window
- This is where I’d resort to smashing a window
It’s 12:00 PM on a work day, so I figured my chances of going unnoticed were great. I hit the button and started running, pulling a bit of an “Indiana Jones” as I squeezed under the garage door before it was fully up. Turned the corner and *BAM*.
Not only was a neighbor in the hall. But there was a neighbor in the hall at the exact corner I was sprinting around. He was carrying keys and mail he seemed to be taking to the outgoing slot. “Was” being the key word there. We collided, he was very apologetic, even though I’m the psycho neighbor apparently doing laps around the building in my underwear. I helped him pick up his mail, apologizing, and I’m sure I was beat red.
Got to the front door and it was locked. I sighed deeply and took off towards the side facing the road. And of course, there’s not one, but two cars. One is parked right in front of our porch with some guy waiting in the passenger seat. He made eye contact. The other car was driving by.
I hopped the porch in a very stylish single bound, swinging my legs over to my right side as I leaned on the porch fence, really hoping I hopped it without flashing anyone. Ran to the door without looking back and… it was unlocked! *whew*
Got inside, ran to the bathroom. There was Travis, standing at the toilet, hands covered in Gold Bond Anti Itch Moisturizing Lotion, with about half a roll of toilet paper in the toilet bowl.
“Hi!” he yells to me. I laugh, “Hi!”
The bath was full, but no where near danger of overflowing. So everything was OK. Although… I do wonder what my neighbor thinks of the whole thing…